in anticipation of my upcoming visit to gringolândia, here's the translation of my speech for obama a few weeks ago.
good afternoon, brasilians. i'm american, and i'd like to talk to you. my president obama was afraid of coming to give a speech at cinelândia; he preferred to hide over there, inside the theatro municipal. since i'm not afraid of the brasilian people, i came here to give a speech in his place. while he talks about cooperation and economic growth and the power of hope and whatever, i'd like to send a few personal messages from the united states, and confesses a few things that have been bothering me.
look: we american masturbate a lot. all of us, but especially the republicans, because they're afraid of sex. democrats like obama are afraid of everything. democrats like obama are afraid of masturbating, of farting, of ending the wars that the republicans started, of appearing in public in latin america, or of doing anything that the republicans might not like.
we americans are scared of losing our houses to the forces of the market, or of losing our neighborhood to people with brown skin: arabs, mexicans, muslims, latinos, presidents, terrorists. we're scared of guns, and we're scared of being without guns. we're scared of fat, scared of sugar, scared of nipples in general, and of janet jackson's nipples specifically.
look: the story that textbooks in the united states label the amazon as american territory is just an urban legend. that's because the majority of north americans don't know where the amazon is, and the majority that know where it is don't care, and those that know and care think it's much more interesting to make a profit there than to administrate it.
i confess that occasionally we feel guilty for paying for so much destruction in the amazon. but you have to understand how nice it is to drive an enormous car to a steakhouse and eat brasilian fillet mignon. your meat is tastier and much cheaper than ours.
but let me confess a few things before i go back to facebook.
we americans aren't connected to what's going on in latin america, because we're connected to facebook.
we americans aren't connected to the middle east because we're connected to our iphones. and because we're afraid of arabs and muslims, without knowing how to understand the difference between these two categories. we americans aren't connected to what happens in our own cities because more than 80% of the population has cable tv, and because we're afraid of people who live in cities.
but let me confess a few things before i go back to facebook.
we americans aren't connected to what's going on in latin america, because we're connected to facebook.
we americans aren't connected to the middle east because we're connected to our iphones. and because we're afraid of arabs and muslims, without knowing how to understand the difference between these two categories. we americans aren't connected to what happens in our own cities because more than 80% of the population has cable tv, and because we're afraid of people who live in cities.
we americans are afraid of the long term. we americans have a very short memory, shorter than yours. we have a shorter memory than yours, and bigger houses and cars, and obviously all of this has a connection.
the size of ours cars and houses and television sets and ipads and personal debts helps us not to care about what's being done in the outside world or inside our prisons. this is not a national characteristic; rather, it's a function of the size of our stuff. i confess that as the cars and television sets continue to grow in brasil, i see the same possibility here.
we americans are afraid of burqas and afraid of women. we're afraid of old people. we're afraid of you. i'm afraid of the batteries in my megaphone running out. i'm afraid that the petroleum will run out and i won't be able to take an airplane to see my family. during my last visit to the united states, the airline bumped me and put me in business class the next day.
i'm afraid of never traveling in business class again. i'm afraid of all privileges disappearing. i'm afraid that the strategies that i've developed throughout my life might not work anymore if there's a real revolution. i'm so afraid of institutions that i can't manage to think of how to get out of them.
i'm addicted to the new york times, but not because i believe it. i know it's lying all the time, but its tone is so familiar. i feel at home, i feel like i'm talking with old friends, with people i know who understand me and understand my life. they might not agree with me, but they treat me with respect.
i confess that i think that obama is a huge coward. bush always made the first decision that sprang into his mind, or that was given to him by his dad or his vice-president or whatever. meanwhile, obama doesn't make a single decision without consulting the democrats, the republicans, the industrialists, the big business owners. and none of these people like him, mostly because he's black, and even so, he does everything he can to please them.
did you know that the majority of americans are afraid of clowns? that's true, and that's why while you elect tiririca, we elect tyrants and cowards.
i confess that i grew up believing in american democracy. i confess that i think baseball is a lot prettier than soccer.
i confess that buying anything has always seemed therapeutic to me. i confess that i always root for the blond guys in war films. i confess that i can't manage to leave the house in the morning without eating bacon and scrambled eggs. i confess that some of these confessions are lies.
i confess that the phrase "yankees go home" makes me sad. i confess that that's as much because i root against a baseball team called the yankees than anything else.
i confess that i've used my passport to avoid problems with cops, flight attendants, waiters, and soldiers. i confess that, living over here, i miss the beer and the sandwiches from over there.
i confess that bush's daughter studied at the same college i did. i confess that i pay taxes in the united states that pay for various wars. i confess that, because i have less money than my parents, i pay a higher percentage of taxes. i confess that i prefer to forget about this than to try and change the situation.
i'm afraid of money. i'm afraid of not having money. i'm afraid that the dollar will never again be worth more than the real.
i'm afraid of being found out. i'm afraid of not being understood. i'm afraid of you being afraid of me. i'm afraid of saying something banal or predictable. i'm afraid of speaking portuguese in public, so i'm switching to english.
did you know that the majority of americans are afraid of clowns? that's true, and that's why while you elect tiririca, we elect tyrants and cowards.
i confess that i grew up believing in american democracy. i confess that i think baseball is a lot prettier than soccer.
i confess that buying anything has always seemed therapeutic to me. i confess that i always root for the blond guys in war films. i confess that i can't manage to leave the house in the morning without eating bacon and scrambled eggs. i confess that some of these confessions are lies.
i confess that the phrase "yankees go home" makes me sad. i confess that that's as much because i root against a baseball team called the yankees than anything else.
i confess that i've used my passport to avoid problems with cops, flight attendants, waiters, and soldiers. i confess that, living over here, i miss the beer and the sandwiches from over there.
i confess that bush's daughter studied at the same college i did. i confess that i pay taxes in the united states that pay for various wars. i confess that, because i have less money than my parents, i pay a higher percentage of taxes. i confess that i prefer to forget about this than to try and change the situation.
i'm afraid of money. i'm afraid of not having money. i'm afraid that the dollar will never again be worth more than the real.
i'm afraid of being found out. i'm afraid of not being understood. i'm afraid of you being afraid of me. i'm afraid of saying something banal or predictable. i'm afraid of speaking portuguese in public, so i'm switching to english.
when i was in 4th grade, i choked on the soup i was eating for lunch. i ran out of the classroom and threw up all over the hallway. that year was the first time the united states attacked iraq, and i stood on the playground with a sign that i’d made that said “no blood for oil.”
i’m afraid that the size of the house i grew up in might determine how effective i can be in making a difference. i’m afraid that no one can understand what i’m saying, but i’m more afraid of the vídeo running out. i’m afraid of losing my passport. i’m afraid of being found out. i’m afraid of television. i’m afraid when i stand in line in immigration that they won’t let me in. i’m afraid of never doing anything courageous. i’m afraid of never doing anything heroic.
i'm afraid of leaving facebook and being forgotten by the world. i'm afraid of never leaving facebook and of forgetting myself. i'm afraid of nipples in general, and of my nipples specifically. i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing in the wrong language while sleeping next to the wrong person.
i confess that i voted for that guy inside the theatro municipal. and i confess that when he was elected, i was really hopeful. i imagined that he could do a lot of things differently. i thought that, at the very least, he would close the concentration camp at guantanamo.
i confess that i'm so ashamed of coming from a country that maintains concentration camps that my shame often surpasses and overshadows my conscientiousness about the people imprisoned there.
i confess that i voted for obama because i was afraid of a new war in iran, and now we have a new war in libya.
i confess that i voted for obama thinking that he would help the world forget about bush. i confess that living in brasil, it's nice to not to have to answer the question "did you vote for bush?" from every new brasilian acquaintance i make. i confess that i imagined that a black president would automatically make my country turn into a more just place.
i confess that i danced with happiness when obama was elected. i confess that i spent a few days crying in happiness. i confess that i was also really happy when i was 11 years old and clinton was elected. i confess that i still don't know how to vote in next year's election.
i confess that i voted for that guy inside the theatro municipal. and i confess that when he was elected, i was really hopeful. i imagined that he could do a lot of things differently. i thought that, at the very least, he would close the concentration camp at guantanamo.
i confess that i'm so ashamed of coming from a country that maintains concentration camps that my shame often surpasses and overshadows my conscientiousness about the people imprisoned there.
i confess that i voted for obama because i was afraid of a new war in iran, and now we have a new war in libya.
i confess that i voted for obama thinking that he would help the world forget about bush. i confess that living in brasil, it's nice to not to have to answer the question "did you vote for bush?" from every new brasilian acquaintance i make. i confess that i imagined that a black president would automatically make my country turn into a more just place.
i confess that i danced with happiness when obama was elected. i confess that i spent a few days crying in happiness. i confess that i was also really happy when i was 11 years old and clinton was elected. i confess that i still don't know how to vote in next year's election.
